Robbed by birth

Michael Chandra

PHOTO: Lene Risholt Thorbjørnsen

Inequality, discrimination, birthday presents. It’s something we need to talk about.

APROPOS

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And it is this time of year again. Joy, happiness, family tension and realising why you moved out. Christmas, for most, is a time of gifting. One of those times of year we feel compelled (or in my case, peer pressured) to pass on some type of gift to the «significant others» in your life. Yet for me, and others like me, we are cheated every year.

Normal members of society enjoy two moments of gift receiving every year (with a few exceptions; I’m still waiting for my valentines gift). These are Christmas and birthdays. Normally, these two are seen as completely seperate and individual events. As they should be, there is no connection between the two. Christmas may be a birthday too, but I think the birth of the saviour of the universe can be slightly separated from your binge TV watching, snapchat recorded life.

On average Christmas will yield one full gift unit per person. This is the same with birthdays. That is, for each person at Christmas or birthday the average gift size is equal. However, there is an exception to this. After many years of living the injustice, I have come up with the «seven before, nine after» hypothesis. If you were born on or between the 18th of December and the 3rd of January then you know the discrimination.

Most civilians are reading this having no clue what I’m talking about. Let me make this clear and simple for you. Lets say you receive a block of chocolate for your Christmas present and birthday present each year, you would have two blocks of chocolate (preferably dark, but not too dark, 90 percent is way over the top and just showing off really). If you are a «seven before, nine after» victim, you will be getting a maximum of three quarters of a block for your birthday. That is at best a 30 percent reduction in gift quality. At worst, all you will be getting is a day late Facebook message from your mate who had a two day hangover from New Years.

You were born on the 17th of December? No problem, your birthday is late in the year, but it is still just another December birthday. Move to the the 18th, wow that’s late, it is basically Christmas! 4th of Jan? Not an issue, yes it’s early, but you are just a regular guy. Move to the 3rd, ok hold on, we have just had New Years!

The worst of all? Born on Christmas day; Christmas children. You my friend are getting a whopping zero extra value added to the normal Christmas delivery. My advice? Legally change your birthday to July when everyone else seems to have been born.

So as Christmas comes, be jolly and be thankful that your birth was nowhere near mine.

Michael Chandra